Love is a need
I was asked to Define love as a closing to a great interview. If the host had started with that question we would have had time to unpack my answer. I said, “Love is a need.” Here’s why.
What love is not
Let’s start with what it’s not. Love is not sacrifice, obligation, adopted shame initiated by others about how you should show up for them and deny yourself. Love is not the act of sex. Love is not dating that progresses into marriage by default. Love is not romance. Love is not spending lots of money on a person. I’m sure you could think of other examples from experience.
Somehow, the accepted narrative about what the word love conveys has become one or more of the negative examples above. Men tend to think sex is love. Women tend to think dating that leads to marriage is love.
Let’s reorient ourselves with what it really is. Love is a need.
Right here is when guys tend to say, “Yeah, sex is a need.”
FOCUS, you beast. Move Your consciousness up to the brain. I’m being funny, but it’s a good discernment tool. If you observe a “lower energy mind” of someone who is driven by the animal or hormonal part of themselves, this person hasn’t mentally, emotionally and spiritually matured yet. Aka, this person is a future ex.
What love is
We’re orientating – isolate yourself from interacting with other people. Do this in your mind. Close your eyes and build an imaginary sphere around yourself. This is the boundary of what I call Essential self love.
What happens between you and your boundary has potential to be love. But most commonly, what happens in the space tends to be self loathing, self sabotage and self neglect. How does that show up? Often, it’s regret, thinking you are incapable, blaming others for your problems, having lots of excuses why you don’t have what you want, etc.
Empty the space between you and your new boundary. Empty the mental cup of knowledge you have around love and try the following without being tied to an outcome.
Love is one of your four human needs: environment, consumption, expelling, and love.
As the first boundary (yes, there are other boundaries) is self love, it applies to you as you relate to your needs for life itself. Let’s break down the other 3 needs to help identify love.
Hint: Keep in mind love is an application of priority.
The 4 needs
- Environment: this human form requires physical attributes for success. That means Earth is a good place to start where we have applied physics, breathable air, drinkable water, nutritious foods and shelter. Without it, you would die.
- Consumption: this human form thrives in an environment that exists in a time and space continuum. For rejuvenation from day to day, as time passes, you must consume water and nutrients like minerals from food. Without it you would die.
- Expelling: this is the result of consumption and rejuvenation. You breathe in air and you breathe out. You consume food and drink then visit the toilet to expel it. If you did not expel your waste, you would die.
- Love: this is understanding that living requires a healthy respect for quality choices of the previous three needs: quality and adequate environment, consumption, and expelling. Without healthy choices you will die. If you don’t believe me, look at the choices of those who suffer chronic illnesses that lead to early death. A lack of self love is the number one common thread between my clients.
I didn’t mention needing other people. That’s because they’re not needed for your survival. The human race, as a species does require other males and females, but you alone do not.
Choices
You are granted free will. So, as an adult, you can choose the quality and quantity of environment, consumption, and expelling you provide for yourself. The best results come from loving yourself enough to care and make healthy, wise choices. In essence, love is proven or disproven by your choices.
For example:
Drinking no water is unloving.
Drinking too much water is unloving.
Drinking unfiltered and contaminated water is unloving.
Drinking water and then not planning for a timely pit stop is unloving.
Many want to see love as a mystically romantic vague concept because when it doesn’t work out there’s no responsibility. But love does have discernable boundaries.
Loving someone who does not love you in return is unloving to self.
Loving someone for ulterior motives is unloving to self.
Loving someone over Loving yourself is unloving to self.
Others asking you to love them over yourself and agreeing to it is unloving.
Cheating, lying, and being generally irresponsible is unloving… to yourself and others.
Unloving = death
Are you oriented? Do you see the application? Do you see how to apply love as a need?
Spend time noticing what you do for yourself from moment to moment. Is it loving? Because if it’s not, you won’t be Loving to another. This is why most relationships and marriages fail. One or both involved are not loving as a basic human need.
All examples here are unloving to self first, then to others.
Staying up so late that you don’t get enough sleep is unloving.
Overeating is unloving.
Driving drunk is unloving.
Chronic homelessness and unemployment is unloving.
Drug abuse is unloving.
Watching too much TV so there’s no time to reflect is unloving.
Ignoring your relationships and agreements is unloving.
Leaving the trash for the mysterious someone else is unloving.
Expecting others to care more than you do is not only unloving it’s hypocritical.
And if you’re the one pointing the finger at another, you’re not Loving yourself by staying in a relationship you clearly see doesn’t work. Fix it or risk the death of your relationship.
Again, unloving = death.
Love yourself first. That’s Essential Love
Work on loving yourself first. Choose quality friendships, clean your home, take out the trash, clean out your closets, wash your dishes and put them away so you can love your future self who will be looking for that cup, plate or utensil. Do you see the habit of choosing quality and adequate things for yourself is the act of love?
Yes, love is an action word but it is not the act of giving and doing for others before you’ve given and done for yourself.
Now, if you have someone to partner with who can give lovingly to you, then that’s healthy reciprocation for which you can invest and give to… Not “in return” but because your needs are met and you’re free to do so. And by the way, THIS is why a Loving marriage is freedom and why an unhealthy one feels like prison and servitude.
Invitation
If you’re reading this and recognize a need for change, aren’t tied to an outcome, and you don’t know where to start, reach out. I teach Essential Love and guide you from where you are.
